we all kiss and tell..

They say that you have to kiss a hundred frogs before you find a prince.. but they fail to mention that there are two types of frogs. Ones that can kiss well and ones that can't.

And boy, when they can't. They definitely can't. Trust me. I've done the... research.

My beautiful girlfriends and I have had many a conversation about the times you've wanted to forget that you kissed that person because they were just THAT bad.

No matter how hot you are, if you force us to endure what I'm about to mention.. we will squeal and run away. Which many of us have done, while simultaneously wiping our faces and cursing the male species.

Gone are the days of it being understandable because we were 13 years old at the Eclipse while your friends stood around cheering and as you sneakily try to put your hands on our bums.. Boys, most of you reading this will be around 20 years old. You need to learn what is MOST DEFINITELY not acceptable. If not for your sake.. for ours too.

1) Biters: A little bit of teeth can be kind of cheeky and fun, but heres the deal. By that I mean a slight nibble like the way you might a neck, not the way you attack a steak. If your incisors come-a-chomping anywhere near our mouths, we will squeal. Bella from Twilight might be into it, but we are not. Even if you do look like Edward.

2) Slobberers: I don't know whether some people genuinely have overactive saliva glands, but the last thing we want is to go in for a nice smooch and come out feeling like our faces have gone swimming. There comes a time when you need to realise that kissing someone does not mean exchanging enough saliva that your DNA combines. Unless you enjoy us being physically repulsed by you and running off wiping our faces.. Sort your shit out.

3) Facial hair: You may think you look all Wolverine with your two week old five o'clock shadow, but heres the deal. Whiskers, cute on cats - not cute when they perform microdermabrasion during a snog and we end up with pash rash all the way from our schnoz to our chins. Your stubble may be sexy, but please think of the consequences to our poor defenseless faces.

4) Lazy tounges: Sure, a peach is a peach and a plum is a plum but a kiss ain't a kiss without some tounge.. but how much tounge you ask? There is a fine line and that line is crossed when you get lazy and leave it in there for far too long. You endanger yourself in this instance, with the aforementioned biting. Leave your little mate there, especially when we've asked you and we will bite it off. Consider yourselves warned.

5) Overactive tounges: Just as annoying as a lazy tounge is an overactive one. There is nothing more alarming than having someone grab you and assume that the way to properly kiss you is to pretend that their tounge is a jackhammer and your mouth solid ground. A favourite of the boys back in the day at the Eclipse, but it's time to re-evaluate my friends! Leave your jackhammers in the garage and slow down with the hypersactive tounge business.

6) Face eaters: A common, common issue with many boys we've come across, is their inability to tell the difference between our mouths and the rest of our faces. Please boys, for the love of all that is good and pure in this world, keep the kissing confined to our lips! Please DO NOT involve our chins or any other part of our faces. And then when we try to move away to rectify the issue, let us do so. Don't hold on to us in a vice like grip so we can't go anywhere. The kiss will really really not last long as we run away screaming from the cannibal that we mistake you for. Chances are that if you manage to obey the rest of the aforementioned things, you won't have to clamp onto our faces like so and we won't go anywhere.

7) Smotherers: A close relative to the face-eater, also known as a face-raper, is the smotherer. The type that may not clamp onto your face like a vacuum but still employs the same tactic of smothering you so tight that your nose is smooshed, blocking off your one and vital source of air. You cannot move, you cannot breathe. The only way to get away is to grab the nearest person if you have a free arm, or knee them in the naughties. Desperate times call for desperate measures ladies.

They say that if you really like someone then the kissing doesn't matter. Some even suggest that some boys can be taught.. if you make it past the smothering, biting, pash rash inducing facial hair stage without running away screaming or resorting to violence to escape that is.

Let me sign off with saying also.. a good breath mint.. goes a long way.

Happy snogging!